After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
