OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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