I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Randomize
