Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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