if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
