It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
