weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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