i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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