3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
