i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
someone get that fucking seahorse.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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