I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm drive I can fine osifer
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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