I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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