Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
