Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
