I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
