I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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