What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Say something about gay babies.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
