i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
