when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
