Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize