So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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