I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
