Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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