i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just pee around me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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