Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
