My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
