This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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