when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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