I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
this is an emotional support booty call
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize