i think my mom watched the whole time
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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