There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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