I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
