I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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