I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
