It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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