If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
