it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
