Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize