Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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