This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
