i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
