he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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