mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
