Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
