Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
