Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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