yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
