Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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