My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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