my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize