I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
