Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
