i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
