Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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