I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
