When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
