some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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