I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
