Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
