he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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