tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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